Communicating how through my journey of living with anxiety, the frustration of missing my youth has been the most persistent feeling.
It might sound dramatic to say that anxiety is ruling my life. But, specially today, that is how I feel.
The struggle with mental health, which now more and more people admit having, is one of the hardest things I have done. To the point where it leaves me drained of energy, causes breaches in my relationships, and blocks the depth to which I could be experiencing my youth.
Am I therefore wasting my youth by living with the weight of anxiety? And, to which extents does it limit me?
The truth is that there are no shortcuts when describing my own personal mental health stories. Therefore, I will focus my words on explaining how the frustration from anxiety feels. Plus, I feel like this won´t be my only post about the topic.
I go on Instagram every day, and I see all these amazing people doing cool things. Living their lives. Having fun. Feeling accomplished and with ‘successful’ careers. Yes, I know that Instagram sets unrealistic standards for its users, and most people only show edited and polished versions of themselves. But it is still so frustrating. That I don’t have something like that. It is not their lives what I want, or their followers or likes. But the feeling of accomplishment or satisfaction with the work they do. And I just don’t have it. Am I not patient enough? Am I not working hard enough? Of course, this is a feeling many young people have. I am aware of that. But with me I think is way worse. I have good habits of working towards what I want to achieve, with a good progress rate. But at the same time, I have habits that work in the opposite direction. Such as being quiet because of anxiety in a situation that might be too loud or crowded for me. Or not asking advice to people or professionals because asking someone something is just unthinkable for me. Or even not going certain places because I will interfere with someone’s life… And then comes the frustration. The feeling of being left behind.
These habits become the way I live my life. And the goals I achieve now feel microscopic because of this mechanism that I block the extents to which I could reach otherwise. Then I go back to sleep and when I wake up the next day, telling myself that I have strength to do everything, similar experiences occur with no to little improvement.
“ I have good habits of working towards what I want to achieve, with a good progress rate. But at the same time, I have habits that work in the opposite direction.”
Since I have gotten professional help from a psychologist, after three years of university, I have gained a better understanding of my emotions. My struggles aren’t any easier. I still have a very hard time in many situations.
But now I feel on the right path to learning tools and techniques for me to use. To use in those situations that give me a little anxiety and they are hard, so I can push through and feel like I am going forward. And I am. I do feel like I am going forward now. I do get stuck and frustrated very often. But I have ‘tricks’ I use for different situations just so I can cope.
There is no magical button with anxiety I have discovered, to make it disappear. But exercising healthy actions, which can become habits, does help reduce the amount to which anxiety rules my life.
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